


Calm After the Storm

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Introspection, Marauders' Era, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:48:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13745187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “It means I’ll protest with your parents for giving you the wrong name. Lilies are too rare, too complicated. It’s a snob flower.” the witch laughed.“Flowers are not snob, Sirius.”





	Calm After the Storm

Sitting on a shore of the Great Lake, Sirius Black waited.

He didn’t know exactly what he was waiting for, but he was sure that something was bound to happen.

All those moments spent watching James and Lily, feeling like he was intruding, as if he didn’t belong to the gazes they exchanged. And it was like that, he didn’t belong to them. Maybe to James, but _never_ to Lily.

For he would’ve liked it, way too much. Belonging to those eyes, those hands, that mouth. And so he, Sirius Black, the boy who could’ve had any girl he liked, had fallen in love with the only one that couldn’t be his. A cliché, that’s what it was; but it was also bloody true.

He kept being close to them, sharing their laughs, the peaceful moments, spent doing nothing at all, during which his mind worked fast, trying to make that unpleasant feeling gripping his bowels disappear.

Remus had seen that, and had also took the trouble of talking to him. As if Sirius didn’t have enough common sense to realize he was living a pure illusion of a love that was never going to born. As if he wasn’t all too aware of the fact that Lily eyes were never going to lighten up seeing his face.

 

_Like somehow you just don’t belong_

He threw a stone into the Great Lake, so strong that he thought he had seriously injured a shoulder. In that moment, he heard a gentle laugh, not mocking, but sweet, clear. Horribly familiar.

“You do know curfew was at least an hour ago, _Black_?” Lily told him. Sirius didn’t let her tone deter him, he raised an eyebrow and got closer to the girl.

“And you do know that being Head Girl doesn’t authorize you to come down here without a good reason” he smirked. “ _Evans_?” she laughed once more, and yielded.

“Ok, Sirius, you win. I was just wondering where you were, and James was worried. But if someone catches us, is better if they see me rather than him.” she explained. The boy grimaced, but luckily she didn’t notice.

He hated hearing James’ name, his best friend, said by her voice. And not for envy or jealousy. Just, when she named him, her tone went one octave lower, it became more tender, sweeter.

Millions of times he had imagined hearing ‘Sirius’ pronounced in the very same way.

He looked at her for a few seconds, embarrassed, before getting a grip on himself.

Darn it, this wasn’t good. He had never felt like this, he had denied it to himself years before. And now, because of Evans, he felt like he was incapable of speaking correctly.

The redheaded looked at him, raised an eyebrow and smiled.

“What, Black, cat got you tongue?” she asked, grinning. He puffed, shaking his head.

“It’s the Hippogriff Lily, how many times do I have to tell you?” she pretended to be offended.

“Respect my Muggle origins. I don’t let Slytherins call me Mudblood for nothing.” she replied, in between amused and annoyed.

 

_[Do you ever feel out of place?]_

“You should hex them, instead.” he pointed out, but she just shrugged.

“Let it go, Sirius. Instead... would you mind telling me what were you doing here? And without your trusted Marauders? I can understand that you can’t always drag Remus in, since he’s the only one with a bit of common sense, and that Peter is frightened to death by McGonagall... but what about James?”

Sirius became flushed. He shut up for a few seconds, his thoughts running restless.

_And what was I supposed to do with James tonight? Talking to him about the stupid crush of a seventeen years old idiot? Telling him that the girl he’s fantasizing about for the past five years is wonderful, and that I can’t help but thinking about her? Is that what you want, Lily? Or would you like to see me consumed in my own madness?_

But he didn’t say anything of the sort. The common sense, the one they all thought he lacked, won him over; he turned away to face the lake.

“At times I like to come here. You know, it helps me think. And about James... I don’t know. Maybe sometimes being alone does me some good.” the witch couldn’t help but smile.

“Don’t get mad Sirius, but if they were to ask me to describe you in ten words, ‘pensive’ wouldn’t have crossed my mind.” she pointed out, patting his shoulder, and the boy shivered. Then he smiled as well, even though he was pretending.

“Okay, maybe you’re right. But even I can’t ignore all this.” he opened his arms, as to want to embrace the landscape surrounding them. “Even my shallowness can see the lake, at night... you know, I’ve always liked to think about it as the ocean. I let my imagination wanted, and I think about the sea, about fresh air...” _And I think about you, about how I’d love to sit on the sand with you, just imagining what’s beyond the horizon_ he thought.

Meanwhile, Lily had widened her eyes, and gotten even closer.

“Ocean’s very different, Sirius. It takes a lot of fantasy to see it into the Great Lake.” she pointed out, not with that schoolteacher voice that she sometimes used, but like a mother gently explaining something obvious to her son. The wizard shrugged.

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen the ocean.” he replied, suddenly gloomy.

 

_[And no one understands you]_

He had never seen the ocean, yet in his mind there were images so crystal clear as to seem memories.

He saw the endless stretch of water, he saw the sweet rain blending with the salty taste. He saw the hurricane raging around him, and he knew that his last one wasn’t a fantasy, yet a reflection of his own soul. There were violent waves inside of him, waves crashing down on his heart, making it beat faster, irregular.

Greenish waves, like Lily’s eyes.

He let go of this line of thoughts when he realized the witch was speaking again.

“Okay, Sirius. I promise that, once the school is over, I’ll bring you to see the ocean. It’s a sight you have to see at least once in a lifetime.” she told him, a hand on his shoulder, pushing him slightly toward the castle.

While they walked, silent like the night around them, Sirius saw a hint of colour among the grass. He smiled, honest for once, and lowered slowly, under the girl’s surprised look. When he stood back, he had a pansy in his hand. He gave it to Lily, his eyes suddenly alive.

She took the flower, slowly, then looked at him, inquisitive. Sirius tilted his head and stared at her.

“I think it’s a flower that suits you. And am I wrong, or violet is one of your favourite colours?” he asked, smirking. Lily shook her head.

“Yes, you are wrong, violet is _your_ favourite colour.” she scolded him, smiling. “And anyway, it doesn’t suit my name.” she protested. Sirius took the flower from her hands and put it behind her ear.

“It means I’ll protest with your parents for giving you the wrong name. Lilies are too rare, too complicated. It’s a snob flower.” the witch laughed.

“Flowers are not snob, Sirius.” she pointed out. They started walking again, and the wizard noticed his steps were lighter.

“Of course they are. Trust me, I should know about snobs. And lilies are my mother’s favourite flowers.” he grimaced naming her. “No, I think pansies are perfect.”

They didn’t  talk anymore, they just let the darkness rock them.

Sirius knew all too well Lily wanted to go back to James, to see him even for a few more seconds before going back to her dormitory. But, strangely, it didn’t matter.

He looked at her furtively, relishing that sight. She was beautiful, and she was destined to be close to him, and yet lightyears far from his world, from his most obscure thoughts. From his desires.

But that night they had almost touched, and he knew it, and it was enough.

In his mind the hurricane was quiet, and the sea was just rippled by a kind breeze.

There was no room anymore for other storms, especially if he was the only one who could see them. Just serenity, a heavenly calm.

And, just like the ocean, he had never see the Heaven. But perhaps his imagination could help him once again.

He turned toward her, smiling.

Yes, he could see it clearly. Far, unintelligible, but there.

And its infinite stretches, blended with the face of a girl that, for a few minutes that night, had belonged to him.

 

_[Welcome to my life]_


End file.
